The more you delve in, the bigger the contradiction.
A battle of idealistic vs. realistic.
People die, from this battle of infinity.
When one stops dreaming, he dies.
I found this out immediately after today’s interview.
I have a gut feeling that I’m definitely not suited for the job, it’s too realistic for me.
The boss asked me for my demands of the job.
I didn’t have the purpose of it, neither did I care.
I was purely on a voyage of discovery. Not listening to real world statistics.
I don’t know why, I hated it. I hated it so much about the feeling of this realism. I find it extremely offensive towards my ideal world. And in fact, somehow I’m a Utopianist, not even an idealist.
My world is full of wonders and mysteries, arts and beauties. It’s a universe. How come you change that to dirt cheap realism?
It’s not beautiful, the job, it’s not art. I won’t like it, even if I fake it, I can’t bear with it for more than 10 days.
It’s a world of realism, not a world of my expedition of discovery.
The two will always contradict each other and cause conflicts constantly.
There’s no way, I can deal with realism.
I can even live frugally, as long as life has arts, as long as life has its beauty.
I don’t know what struck me this hard but it’s true I hate the general public so much I already drew a line between me and them. Also beuracratic bullshit, I hate it either. I hate it so much!
I am extremely dubious towards the idea of me implementing bureaucracy in my own company. The bureaucratic bullshit will ruin it.
It seems like Chinese just accept, no, it’s not just Chinese, the normal people of the normalest. They are so docile they are so willing to accept bureaucracy enforced upon them, out of the necessities, out of the subsistence.
The work in the future I will do, is not bureaucratic bullshit, not general public’ mindlessness. It’s art, and beauty and wonders and ideas!
I’m a creator. Not a worker. This is extremely wrong for me to put myself onto something I won’t have any prospect for.
It’s not I won’t work, but rather I work for arts and beauty. I work for philosophy and wonders. I work for creativity and ideas.
The direction is wrong, I need to pull away the steering wheel now.